So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
