Nicole vs. Life
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
