im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize