How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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