It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Less talking, more tequila
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
