did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
