Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
