Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
