I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
