forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
