Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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