According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
She needs sedatives and a leash
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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