I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I did not marry a roomba.
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