He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
