The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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