My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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