at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
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