a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
