I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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