I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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