Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
