So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
