Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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