Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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