exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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