i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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