Christians are straight up FREAKS
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
