weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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