What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize