Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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