im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
