I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
