he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
