I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize