i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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