I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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