Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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