Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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