just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
