We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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