Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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