Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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