I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
