Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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