Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
my poor anus
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
