When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It's rum buckets o'clock
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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