I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
