i already hear my dad disowning me
honey bunches of taint.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
