There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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