Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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