Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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