i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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