I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
