Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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