If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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