I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
