I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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